Eek! Save My Earth!
by Nin
Summary: Relena and the Earth Sphere are threatened by a mysterious evil!!! Will Heero save them??? Or will it be...too late??? (evil, gutteral laughter)
1. Eek! Save Me!

Eek! Save Me!  
  
by  
  
Nin Tendo  
  
  
~ Disclaimer ~ Today...GW. Tomorrow...the WORLD!!! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!! (Dee: Just ignore her. She doesn't own GW)  
  
  
WARNING!!! RANDOM SILLYNESS, OOC, AND CLICHE TOILET HUMOR!!! BE AFRAID!!! BE VERY AFRAID!!!  
  
  
A/N: I didn't think that I'd see the day. I wrote a cliche GW fic....;_; But it IS based on a true story, so I'll let it pass n_n)  
  
  
  
  
Relena burst through the door of her mansion, skidded on the mat, then proceeded to run up the stairs.  
  
  
You had to give give her some slack. I mean, c'mon! She had been sitting at that meeting for HOURS! They had been discussing the future of humanity, for chissake! You couldn't just up and say, "May I be excused?" You had to hold it.  
  
  
Relena mounted her porcelain throne, and sighed in relief. She had avoided disaster, once again.  
  
  
A few minutes later, she reached out for some toilet paper. Her fingertips met a cardboard roll.  
  
  
She froze in horror. There was no toilet paper!!!  
  
  
Relena breathed deeply, then shouted, "HEE~RO~!!! HE~LP~ ME~!!!"  
  
  
Heero suddenly appeared in mid-air, and crashed to the floor. Relena blinked in surprise, then covered herself with a towel.  
  
  
"Heero," Relena said, in awe, "how did you do that? It was so COOL!!!"  
  
  
Heero stood up, and rubbed his poor nose. "I got lost in my spandex shorts," he explained. (A/N: blink O.O blink)  
  
  
"Ohhh..." Relena replied, understanding completely. "Anyway, I'm glad that you're here! Something HORRIBLE has happened!"  
  
  
"Hn?" Heero asked.  
  
  
"I ran out of toilet paper!" she cried.  
  
  
Heero gasped in horror. (A/N: Hahahaha...)  
  
  
"Please find some for me!" she continued, desperately.  
  
  
Heero thought it over. He still had to save the world from those aliens parked outside Earth's atmosphere.  
  
  
But, then again, NO ONE should be stranded on the toilet, let alone the former 'Queen of the World!'!!!  
  
  
"Mission accepted," Heero replied, then found his way out of his spandex shorts. (A/N: Get your mind outta the gutter, you hentais!! He didn't undress!!! ;p)  
  
  
Heero reappeared in his computer chair, (he had been trying to sit down when he'd gotten 'lost'), then changed his shorts so he could fix it's hammerspace connection later.  
  
  
He checked to see if his extra gun was there. Yup. Right along with the extra shotgun, machine gun, flamethrower, rocketlauncher, and pepperspray. He left his apartment, wondering what he should do to accomplish his mission.  
  
  
An idea came to him. He started to jog, roughly in the direction of Relena's house.  
  
  
It wasn't long before he found what he was after.  
  
  
A house with the bathroom lights on.  
  
  
Heero quietly broke into the house, drew his gun, aimed, and waited.  
  
  
After a flush, and the sounds of a running sink (remember to wash your hands! n_n), the door opened, and a young man walked out, only to run into the barrel of a gun. He gulped, then looked up at the grim-faced soldier.  
  
  
"Um...hey," the 'hostage' said, akwardly. "We gotta stop meeting like this, Heero. I mean, I'm going to have a heart attack one of these days..."  
  
  
"Shut the hell up, Duo," Heero growled. "Give me your toilet paper, or I'll shoot!"  
  
  
'Ooookaaaay...' Duo thought, slowly backing into his bathroom. 'He's gone insane. I mean, he could have just ASKED.'  
  
  
With slow, calculated movements, so the trigger-happy psycho wouldn't get upst, Duo removed his toilet paper from the dispenser thingy, and held it out to him.  
  
  
Heero hit Duo with the back of his gun, grabbed the toilet paper, then ran off, laughing like a madman...which he was.  
  
  
"Owww..." Duo groaned, from his position on the floor. What the hell did he do THAT for?!" He gingerly touched the already forming bruise on his forehead. "That's it. I'm having him committed."  
  
  
=======================================================================================  
  
  
Relena's butt was starting to hurt.  
  
  
=======================================================================================  
  
  
Heero ran the rest of the way to Relena's house. Being the Perfect Soldier, he didn't even break a sweat. He opened the door, ran up the stairs, and headed for the bathroom.  
  
  
He frowned when he found the door locked. He considered using an explsive, but if he accidentely killed Relena, he wouldn't be able to accomplish his mission.  
  
  
After a while, Heero just shrugged, and turned the doorknob a little harder than it was meant to be turned. After a long, annoying, creaking noise, the door finally opened.  
  
  
"You need to get the lock fixed," he said, in his monotone voice, as he handed her the toilet paper.  
  
  
Relena squirmed in her seat, (A/N: Why? That's up to you! n_n), and said, "Thank you so much, Heero! I owe you a favor!"  
  
  
Heero raised an eyebrow, (A/N: Oooo! Does he look a little interested? n_n), and said, I'll keep that in mind."  
  
  
Relena smiled a little hesitately. Maybe she should have kept her mouth shut. She hoped that he wouldn't make her do something weird, like burn down Duo's house, for example.  
  
  
Heero turned to leave, then paused, and said, "Oh, and Relena?"  
  
  
"Yeah?" she answered, feeling apprehensive.  
  
  
He bared a psychotic grin. "Next time, look before you leak," he said, then ran off, laughing like a madman...which he was.  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
  
1. Nin: (mounts her porcelain throne) I AM THE QUEEN OF THE TOILET!!! n_n  
  
  
2. Hehehe...I made up the 'look before you leak' crack when Dee Jay ran out of toilet paper once. This story is based on that experience. Hey, why are you looking at me like that? I didn't hold up my best friend, honest! n_n  
  
  
3. I was mean to Duo, I know...;_;....but it's so fun! n_n  
  
  
4. Does anyone want a sequel? (I doubt it n_n) I kinda have an idea. It's about those aliens parked outside Earth's atmosphere. It's an insane humor, too.  
  
  
5. OH! And someone asked if I REALLY get lost in my pants ('cause I said it was based on a true story). ...Yes, I do. Though, it's more like drowning instead of getting lost. I really gotta learn to buy pants that FIT me. But I like wearing baggy clothes...(shrugs) Oh, well. Forget about it. I don't know what I'm talking about.  
  
  
6. Flame me. ...C'mon!!! Pllllleeeeeaaaaaaasssssssseeeeee??? I'll love you forever!!!! (Damn, no one listens to me. Sniff. n_n) 


	2. Eek! Save My Earth!

Eek! Save My Earth!  
  
by  
  
Nin Tendo  
  
~ Disclaimer ~ BLAH (you know how it goes...)  
  
Author's Warning: Some of you might think this is HY/RP...but it's not. I'm serious. Stop reading things into my fanfiction! :p (I just felt like making fun of those cliche hollywood romance scenes while I was writing this. Don't worry, I went out of my way to make up alternate reasons why Heero does these things. No complaints, please, because this fic is not to be taken seriously)   
  
An Important Note: Please don't bash the characters in the review box. You might think that it's funny, but I don't. Sincere character-hating makes me sick to my stomach. I'll forgive everyone who has done this in the last chapter...but if I find a character-bashing review in THIS chapter, you might just have to read the next chapter of Gundam 1/2, because you'll be in it. Thanks for paying attention to this matter. Keep the reviews clean!!! n_n  
  
=============================================================================  
  
They were waiting outside his door, Heero supposed. At least fifty of them. They'd gotten smarter as the days went by. Now they were trying to outnumber him. Little did they know that Heero Yuy was as lethal as his gundam when it came to an all-out brawl.  
  
Still, even Heero had morals. He didn't like to beat up incompetent fools unless it was totally necessary.  
  
His eyes scanned his apartment room, searching for an escape route. The air duct was WAY too small, even concidering his mouse-like ability to squeeze into small places. And that sniper was probably waiting outside his window again. He had been practicing, too. The kid had nearly got him last time.  
  
So, Heero had two choices. One: brave the sniper, and two: brave the fifty-man attack force.  
  
Heero punched the wall in frustration.  
  
Damn shrinks WOULDN'T LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!  
  
He was going to kill Duo for this.  
  
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.  
  
"GO AWAY!!!" Heero greeted.  
  
"Heero, why are there more than fifty Men in White standing outside your door weilding tranqualizers and straight-jackets?" Relena asked.  
  
Heero grumbled underneath his breath about how he was REALLY going to kill Duo for this, how everyone ELSE was insane -not him-, how he still had to save the world from those aliens, and how he had already put it off long enough.  
  
Relena interrupted his musings. "Um...since it wouldn't be very good if you opened the door, I'll just tell you your mission from here."  
  
Heero perked up. "Mission...?" he asked, in delighted anticipation.  
  
"It, um, says here that you're supposed to 'infiltrate the enemy's mothership, and kill the bloody bastards'. Oh, my! Heero, couldn't you just ask them why they are illegally orbiting Earth?"  
  
"Mission: Accepted," Heero replied, ignoring Relena's comments.  
  
"Um...okay. I suppose I'll leave before you mercilessly beat these poor men into oblivion. Be careful, Heero!" Relena said, as she started back home.  
  
Heero found himself back where he started. The door, or the window? Growling in indecision, he sat down at his desk.  
  
Heero was hurled through time and space, only to land on his nose.  
  
On a hard, steel floor, too.  
  
"My nose..." Heero mourned, gingerly touching it to see if it was broken. It wasn't.  
  
"I thought I fixed these damn shorts," Heero mumbled underneath his breath.  
  
Looking around, Heero found himself in a large hallway. It seemed to stretch on indefinitely, and many perpendiculaer hallyways crossed through it.  
  
Suddenly, a repetitive, rhythmic sound reached his ears.  
  
...clank...clank...clank...  
  
He carefully removed his gun from his shorts, not wanting to trip the hammerspace connection again, and find himself in deep shit. Literally. (Eww...)  
  
He tried to figure out where the sound had originated from, but it was an impossible task. The sound seemed to echo through every single hallway.  
  
And then he heard the grunt behind him.  
  
Heero whirled around, and found himself face-to-face with the single, most ugly creature that he had ever seen in his entire LIFE.  
  
It was even worse then Dr. J!  
  
It looked, and smelled, like bodily waste!  
  
Heero backed away before he found himself in deep shit.  
  
Plugging his already abused nose, Heero aimed his gun at the disgusting alien being, and pumped it full of lead.  
  
The bullets flew straight through the beast, impacting with the opposite wall. Heero rose an eyebrow when its wounds closed up.  
  
'It regenerates? ...This is going to be difficult...'  
  
Heero tossed aside his gun, and pulled out his machinegun. With expert precision and speed, Heero disconnected the alien's head from its body.  
  
'Heh,' he thought.  
  
Then the creature's head oozed back over to its body, and reconnected itself, leaving a steaming trail of...of...  
  
"CRAP!!!" Heero shouted, pulling out a handy flamethrower.  
  
"BUUUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNN!!! BUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNN!!!" Dilly--er, Heero shouted, using the flamethrower to its full extent. (Sorry, minor crossover there...lol)  
  
However, the flames only intensified the terrifying smell! Heero dropped the flamethrower, gagged, and nearly lost consciousness.  
  
And then the creature started toward him! Heero shrieked in a very feminine manner, and desperately reached into his shorts for ANYTHING that could POSSIBLY save him! His hand came into contact with a bottle of some kind, and he threw it at the putrid alien, hoping that it would cause a distraction of some kind. He immediately ran in the opposite direction.  
  
It was a good thing, too, because the bottle was full of TROWA'S HAIR GEL! The lid had popped off when it hit the creature, and, since the creature had a very...unique DNA, the mixture instantly DETONATED!  
  
Let's just say that the creature was VERY dead, and that its corpse wasn't very pretty. Not that it was pretty in the first place, mind you.  
  
Anyway, back to the main character. Heero was leaning against a wall, breathing heavily, scared shitless. (...n_n)  
  
His stomach started growling.  
  
Heero DEATHGLARED (tm) his stomach, and said, "You stupid, dumbass stomach! People would think that you'd lose your appetite after facing an enormous creature that looked and smelled suspiciously like human waste, but nooooo! You want FOOD!"  
  
His stomach growled obstreperously at him. (Yes, that is a word. n_n)  
  
"FINE!!!" Heero shouted. "But only because I don't want to be found because you were too loud!!! Don't blame ME if you get sick and vomit!!!"  
  
"Hypocrite,"' his stomach grumbled underneath its breath.  
  
Mumbling to himself, Heero reached into his shorted-out shorts and pulled out a can of...of...  
  
"Beans," Heero said, instantly reminded of that totally bizarre 'shit-monster'. "Figures."  
  
Heero searched through his spandex again, and found a can-opener, a spoon, a cooking pot, and, strangely enough, a blazing campfire.  
  
'So that's how I stay warm in cold weather,' Heero thought.  
  
Shrugging it off, Heero cooked the beans, then forced them down, doing his best not to become nauseated from all the unwelcome images that drifted though his head.  
  
'This can't be good...' his stomach thought.  
  
Swallowing the last spoonful, Heero put all the items back in his shorts, and started down the maze of hallways again.  
  
He happened along about ten or fifteen of the manure-monsters in the next hour. He managed to get rid of them all in a similar fashion that he disposed of the first one.  
  
He simply ran away. (lol...)  
  
Sometime later, Heero fouind himself in a very large chamber that was virtually covered in...ah...slime. (Yeah, that's it....9.9)  
  
In the middle of the room stood the most gruesome, rank, disgusting 'crap-creature' that he had seen thus far!  
  
...It was...female. At least...it LOOKED female.  
  
'That must be The Queen,' Heero thought. 'If I kill her, then all the others will die off for some inexplainable reason. At least, that's what all those sci-fi movies have lead me to believe...'  
  
Heero reasched into his shorts as the creature reached for a dangerous looking device. He grabbed the first thing that his hand touched (which happened to be a can of pepperspray), and threatened the, er, butt-ugly alien with it.  
  
"FREEZE!!!" he shouted, startling the creature. She sttod up straight, then backed away slowly, unsure about the weapon her 'visitor' held in his hand.  
  
A few seconds later, when the creature deemed Heero's weapon useless, it started for the dangerous looking device again.  
  
"I SAID 'FREEZE', DAMMIT!!!" Heero shouted, pushing the button. However, Heero was not trained in the art of pepper-spray, so he ended up spraying himself in the eye. He dropped the traitorous canister, cupped his upper face, and howled in agony.  
  
If that wasn't enough, he felt a bout of gas coming on. Heero Yuy did NOT release gas during a mission!  
  
He managed to hold it down...but it was only a matter of time before it would be able to overpower him...  
  
Meanwhile, the gruesome 'she-shit-monster' picked up the dangerous looking device, and started fiddling with it.  
  
Heero opened his bloodshot eyes just in time to see her push the button.  
  
'Uh, oh...' he thought, cursing his shitty fate.  
  
A small 'beep' echoed throught the room.  
  
"There," a sexy female voice said, in a satisfied tone. "The universal translator is working again."  
  
"Excuse me...?" Heero said, unsure of what was going on, and quite unnerved that such a disturbing creature would have such a lovely voice.  
  
"I must apologize. All of out translators have been on the fritz ever since we entered your solar system."  
  
Seeing that the Alien Queen did not seem to be interested in blowing up his favorite planet, Heero swallowed his pride, and said, "Tell me why you are illegally orbiting Earth."  
  
"Oh, my!" The alien exclaimed. "I didn't know that parking here would break your planet's laws! Please accept my apologies! I will move my ship at once!"  
  
Heero sweat-dropped. "Ah...that won't be necessary. We were just concerned, because we didn't know your true intentions..."  
  
"Oh, thank you so very much!" the Queen of the shit-monsters exclaimed. "We only intend to establish a trade route with your planet!"  
  
Heero raised an eyebrow. "You want to trade with us? What are you looking for?"  
  
The fem-crap-creature 'smiled'. "It is a very unique substance in the universe! We have found that your planet has an over-abundance of this valuable substance!"  
  
"And what would we get in return?"  
  
The Queen of turds gingerly picked up an object with her 'thumb' and 'forefinger', and held it away from herself as if it offended her.  
  
"This," she said, in a disgusted tone.  
  
Heero's eyes glazed over in lust. "It's...it's so...beautiful..." he whispered, hypnotized. He stepped forward, like a zombie, and took the object, not caring about the creature's...residue. Then he tore it out of its package, and scarfed it down.  
  
He sighed in satisfaction.  
  
"That was a free sample," the Queen of fertilizer stated. "Did you...enjoy it...?" She shuddered in disgust.  
  
Heero sighed again. Its taste was...indescribable. It put him at ease...almost like a drug, or something...  
  
He was so relaxed, that he didn't even notice that he farted.  
  
The Queen of #2 shrieked, "DON'T WASTE IT!!!" then pulled a vacuum-like thingermagigger and vacuumed up the oh-so-valuable substance that Earth had in over-abundance.  
  
=============================================================================  
  
Later, when Heero had come down from his...er...'high'. the she-crap-creature led him to the docking bay, and rented one of the small, one-creature spaceship out to him. It was cramped, but it was clean. (n_n)  
  
"I will inform the leaders of the ESUN about your proposal. If everything goes smoothly, this trade route will be set up by the end of the month."  
  
"Oh, thank you so much! How can I ever return the favor?"  
  
"Actually," Heero said, before she could suggest something, "I was wondering what was so special about human gas?"  
  
"It makes an absolutely spendid perfume!"  
  
Heero gagged.  
  
Then he got a great idea.  
  
Why not kill two birds with on stone?  
  
Heero told the Queen of Excretion his plan, and they shook hands on it.  
  
Heero screamed. (...Read the last paragraph again, and think about it. n_n)  
  
=============================================================================  
  
Heero gracefully crah-landed the space-ship in Relena's backyard.  
  
Relena saw the spaceship crash, and ran outside, screaming, "Oh, my God! HEERO!" Though, you shouldn't ask the author how Relena could have possibly known that Heero was the one piloting the alien spacecraft. Maybe all the not-so-pasifist pasifists are psychic...?  
  
Heero pulled himself out of the wreakage, couged a little, the looked up to see a vision of loveliness rushing toward him, shouting his name in concern.  
  
A big smile slowly worked its way onto his face, and Heero raced toward her, shouting her name as well. He was very happy to see her. She looked, and smelled, a hell of a lot better than the feces-species, after all. (And if anyone says otherwise, you are GUARANTEED a large place in the next chapter of Gundam 1/2. n_n)  
  
Time seemed to slow down as Relena and Heero skipped toward each other, their eyes reflecting the joy in their hearts....  
  
And then they slipped and fell in the mud.  
  
At least, they hoped it was mud...  
  
=============================================================================  
  
A little while later, Heero told Relena about the alien's proposition, then he told her his master plan.  
  
Then he told her that he was calling in his 'favor' when she tried to back out.  
  
"But...!" she exclaimed.  
  
"'But'?" Heero repeated, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"I can't do that!!! It's outside my moral boundaries!!!"  
  
"You owe me a favor."  
  
"Can't I repay you some other way?"  
  
"Let me put it this way: do you want to be on good standing with those alien beings, or do you want to piss them off, and provoke them into blowing up the planet?"  
  
"...Fine. I'll do it. But you better not let the press find out about this..."  
  
"...smirk...okay, but you'll owe me."  
  
"Heero, I'm not going to ask for your help EVER again."  
  
=============================================================================  
  
(Multiple pictures of Heero fixing the spaceship whiz by your computer screen. ...Humor me.)  
  
A short time later, Relena led Duo into her backyard.  
  
"Where's the spaceship full of high quality goods that I can use to upgrade Deathsythe?!" Duo exclaimed.  
  
"...I thought that you blew up Deathsythe," Relena said, smelling a rat. Or maybe it was the previously mentioned 'mud'. Oh, well.  
  
"...That's right...heh heh....I did...didn't I? Must've been a slip of the tongue...heh..." Duo said, nervously.  
  
Relena waved it off, and continued with the plan. "Look, there it is, Duo," she said, in a totally unconvincing voice.  
  
Duo bought it anyway. He ran inside the spaceship...but all he found were...  
  
"Beans?"  
  
The door slammed shut, and the spaceship, which was locked on autopilot, flew back to the mothership.  
  
"I'M GOING TO GET YOU FOR THIS, HEERO!!!"  
  
(What do you know? I guess Duo is psychic, too! n_n)  
  
=============================================================================  
  
Heero and Relena watched the spaceship fly off into the sunset.  
  
"Well, Heero, you got your revenge."  
  
Heero nodded. "That I did."  
  
"...What did he do to you, anyway?"  
  
"He told the Men in White that I was unstable. I'm not, I tell you!!! I'm the only sane person on the planet!!!"  
  
Relena nodded. "That you are."  
  
Heero and Relena locked gazes, and a mutual understanding passed through them. Heero's eyes twinkled with mischief, and he reached out to take her hand in his.  
  
Relena screamed. Heero hadn't washed his hands...  
  
=============================================================================  
  
Epilogue  
  
Duo was never again seen on planet Earth. However, he become very popular among the poo-poo-people. They absolutely adored his 'essence a la 02'.  
  
Heero was apprehended by the Men in White (FINALLY) when they caught him off-guard in the shower. They are currently attempting to rid him of his addiction to the newly found dessert which has been lovingly dubbed as 'chocolate'. Its origin is currently unknown. The Vice-Foriegn Minister tells us that it is for our own good. Heero's unique DNA make-up has caused a chemical reaction to occur when he ingests 'chocolate'. 'Chocolate' to Heero is like a highly addictive sedative to any normal person. It's very important that he doesn't overdose, lest he DIE! (Nin giggles. "Death by Chocolate"! Dee scoffs.)  
  
Relena had a scare when the Queen of the poo-poo-people proposed a marriage between her son and the Vice-Foreign Minister. Luckily, this occured on April Fools Day, which the poo-poo-people recently discovered and currently adore.  
  
THE END (Nin moons the computer screen) LITERALLY  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
1. What HY/RP? THERE IS NONE!!! I mean, yeah, Heero finds Relena more attractive than the turd queen, but EVERYONE is more attractive than the turd queen! And Heero just wanted to gross Relena out at the end!!! I mean, he COULD have grabbed something else...if you know what I mean...wink wink nudge nudge Do you want me to change it??? snicker  
  
2. Don't bash the characters....bash ME! BAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! BAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
3. Don't forget to FLAAAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, tooooooo!!! 


End file.
